underneath the tree of life

If the horizon speaks Your works

Would it tells me

Why Your word exploded at the very beginning

And brought the universe into existence?

If the days teach Your knowledge,

And the nights reveal Your truth,

Would they tell me

The reason for the creation?

If You already know all the suffering,

the heartbreaks, the tears, and the cross.

Why You chose the pain

and made us, anyway?

So I know how it felt to be you

Kupang, 26 Oktober 2021

As a reminder to those bad days...

 This one song. On repeat. On the way home. On those darkest days.

What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life,

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?

What if trials of this life,

The rains, the storms, the hardest nights,

Are YOUR mercies in disguise?

TED Mystery Experiment - Part 4 The Conclusion

Andai aku jadi kaya

punya uang berjuta-juta..

Kadang mikir, enak ya punya banyak uang. Enak ya hidupnya ga perlu khawatir masalah bayar ini itu. 

Terus masuk dalam penelitian ini, jadi mikir lagi, kok bisa ya ada donatur yang sebaik itu, yang mau nyumbangin 2 juta USD (total partisipan katanya 200 orang) buat dibagi-bagi ke strangers? Sebingung itu kah ngehabisin uangnya? Ga takut apa uangnya disalahgunakan? Maksudku, mekanisme pelaporannya longgar banget, aku sih bisa-bisa aja masukin 100% uangnya buat ke tabungan ato beli saham/reksa dana. Pas pelaporan tinggal ditulis aja uangnya dipake buat apa gitu. Tanpa bukti transfer, tanpa struk, cuma modal kepercayaan. Kok bisa ya. 

But anyway, at the end of this experiment, almost all of my wishlists were granted. My savings rate increased dramatically. My emergency fund is entirely secure. During those months, I kept my spending to the bare minimum. And until now, I keep tracking all my expenses, which is good. If you ask me, how does it feel about spending 10.000 USD only in three months?  Of course, I am beyond happy... in the first month.. But then it feels ordinary. Bahkan sampai sekarang rasanya biasa aja ngetik di zenbook. Enggak kayak pas awal waktu searching di tokopedia.

My day-1 plan goes on well. It feels good to have everything under control. I feel grown-up. Wow, I am capable of managing this big money on the right things. You are doing well, tya, good job. I observed that some of the fellow participants felt guilty because it was so much to splurge. Keknya aku di sisi sebaliknya.. Ten thousand dollars is not that big if you already had it. It's not that small, but not big enough to grant your every wish. I'd say we need to be very careful on every spending before it slips out of our hands (that's why I'm on my spreadsheet since day one). Dan BAPA keknya liat kesiapan ga sih? Kalo tya ga belajar budgeting dan mencatat pengeluaran, mungkin uang TED ini bakal aku splurge kemana-mana. 

Through this experiment, I know how it feels like to have this big money. How it feels to check out my wishlist without worrying about the price. I also can feel secure with my savings, at least for the first year of residency.  Just in case if I can't get a fully-funded scholarship (me saving in the smart wayyy of kors without breaking the rules, and it's good to have a plan B). 

Money can't bring you happiness - rich people said. This experiment made me going through a more profound thinking process. I used to think, how come money can't bring you happiness? You can buy the things you want. You can pay for the best helper/assistant you need to make your life easier. It is always good to have more money. 

Money can't bring you happiness - rich people said. 

Then give us the money - we said

Send us your Paypal account *transfer USD 10.000* - the generous donors said

Within the last weeks of the experiment, I read a book called Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Until now, I used to live with the mindset of the poor dad. Study hard, work hard. Find a secure job that has a potentially safe future. I always thought that I deserve to earn a lot of money because I am serving my best to the government and society. Pemikiran ini bukannya salah sih. It's the mindset of almost everyone. Tapi peningkatan gaji tidak sebanding dengan peningkatan kebahagiaan. Dan semakin besar pendapatan, semakin besar keinginanmu. Money can only bring you happiness if you know how to be content. 

Cinta akan uang adalah akar semua kejahatan. Tapi kadang kita coba mengelabui diri sendiri. No, I love my job; I don't care about the money. But deep inside, it was the fear that keeps us wake up every morning. Kita takut. Kita khawatir. Bilangnya sih ga butuh uang, tapi selalu nunggu-nunggu kapan gajian, kapan TPP turun, kapan jasa medis turun. Padahal jujur sama diri sendiri itu penting. Kita harus mengakui dulu, iya aku insecure kalau nantinya tidak bisa hidup dengan nyaman. 

Eksperimen ini membuat aku menyadari betapa besar ketakutanku terhadap masa depan. Padahal BAPA bilang, ngapain takut tentang masalah penghidupanmu? Sampai-sampai BAPA harus kirim 'manna' dari langit, tanpa hujan angin, tanpa tanda-tanda. 

Kenapa sih masih khawatir? Heran.

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harusnya ada part 3 yang isinya tentang gimana aku menghabiskan sisa uangnya. tapiiiii sepertinya mood nulis ga muncul lagi wkwkwk. Kenapa sih campur2 bahasa? Iya awalnya pengen full english, tapi utekku ga shanggup yhaaaa, adrenalinnya kadung habis gaisss, momen sudah lewat wkwkw